Frequently Asked Questions

The following are some common questions and comments I have gotten over the years, as well as some questions I imagine you might have. If you have any others please send them to me at

Q: I know you! You probed me you little bastard. Why, if I ever get my hands on you....

A: Well, it is not really a question, it's more of a statement, but it is one I get a lot. I realize that most human experiences with aliens are not under the most pleasant of circumstances, and all aliens are thought of as the probing kind, but is not true. Most aliens live ordinary lives that hardly involve any probing at all. In fact, I probe surprisingly few humans in the course of a year. However, if you truly feel that you were probed by me please take the time to rate your experience on: I'm still looking foward to my first positive review.

Q: What? Are you for real?

A: I don't know what you mean by "what" but I am for real. If you doubt it ask some of the people I savagely probed:

Q: I dont believe the only reason aliens come to earth is to stick probes in our asses.

A: Exactly! There are many other reasons to come to Earth. Myself I also like to enjoy Mexican food. In fact in Mexico I'm know as "El Chupacabra!!!!" I'm not sure what that means, but every time I visit they always screem it and give me a goat. Ah, thouse goat are delectable. I love that Mexican food and hospitality.

Q: Earth scientist say that it is impossible for life to exist upon Uranus. How do you explain this?

A: So far your scientist have only scratched the surface of Uranus. They have yet to probe deep into the vast interior of Uranus. Inner-Uranus, as we call it, is teaming with life. Outer-Uranus is just a nasty place that we dread going to as much as humans might dread going to say, New Jersey.

Q: Is there an Alien Conspiracy? Why do our governments say you don't exist?

A: I don't know, this mystifies even us. In the beginning we were all like "Hello!!!! We're here!!!" See our ships flying through the air. "Take us to your leader!" You know, that sort of thing. But then after Roswell we were like, "Holy Crap!!!!" Well it only took a few more ships being shot down and aliens autopsied before we decided to change our approach.

Q: I would like to be abducted. Can I schedule an appointment?

A: No. While I would love to have the sign, "by appointment only" on my the side of my saucer, it would just not work. In fact the last alien who tried that is now resides in a cooler at some secret, US laboratory. Unfortunately, if you would like to be abducted, by aliens that is, all I can suggest is to stand in the middle of a Kansas cornfield with your knickers down at midnight. I can't guarantee that you will be abducted, but Interesting things are bound to happen.

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